


Nevers

by afteriwake



Series: In So Few Words [199]
Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: Background Case, Background Character Death, Calleigh Thinking, Calleigh's Trying Not To Go Into Shock, Episode: s03e24 10-7, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Missing Scene, Nausea, POV Calleigh Duquesne, POV First Person, Past Calleigh Duquesne/John Hagen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 01:06:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17033416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afteriwake/pseuds/afteriwake
Summary: Calleigh's thoughts after Hagen kills himself.





	Nevers

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old fic written about one of my least favorite storylines ever in CSI: Miami (since I was a huge Hagen fan) and one of my few times writing in first person POV. Enjoy!

The click.

That click is going to haunt my dreams until the day I die, I know it is. I'm standing here next to Eric and I know he's trying to comfort me but all I can think about is that click. The first time I heard it and the last time I heard it. The last time, I hope, I ever have to hear it.

I screamed. I remember doing that. I never scream, and I screamed. I mean, this is _John_ , dead on the floor just a few minutes after I heard him, after I talked to him. Mere seconds after I saw him put the gun to his head. I heard the click and I turned around and I saw everything. I didn't try and get him to stop, because it was over so quickly. I just...I watched. It was like there was nothing else I could do.

Oh, God, I want to be sick. I see death on a regular basis, I've seen people die in front of me, what makes this so different? Oh, yeah. He was, at some point in my life, someone I really cared about. Maybe I even loved him. I...I don't know.

And now he's gone. He's gone and I'm watching Alexx kneeling over his body and...

I should be thankful Delko's pulling me away. I should be but I just...I can't process this right. I can't deal with it. And I can't go into shock, either. Shock would be great right about now. At least with shock, I wouldn't have to think, wouldn't have to feel.

I still want to be sick. As soon as he's gone, as soon as Alexx and Delko and everyone else is gone, I'm going to go into the bathroom and throw up and cry. Or at least I'm going to throw up...I _know_ I'm going to throw up because I know the way my body works.

I can't deal with this. And I know when Alexx brings his body out I need to point out what's in his jacket pocket, the missing piece to the case. I almost wished he'd put that on the table with his badge so I wouldn't have to look at him again, not right now. I...maybe...no, I probably won't see him at the morgue. I don't think I _can_.

I'm going to be sick, I can tell. I just...I need to get some air. As soon as everyone's gone, I'll go throw up and maybe cry and get the hell out of here for a bit so I can get some air. And then maybe, _maybe_ I'll go back in the lab. Maybe. Maybe...maybe not.

I'm never going to understand what happened, never be able to process it. I'm never going to get to see him again. Never going to get that click out of my head. Never going to know that...never going to really know _why_ he decided to do that in front of me. I should hate him, I really should...but I could never hate him, I think. I cared about him and he had his problems and I can't just stop caring, even after this.

I'm never going to really get over this, am I?


End file.
